Tag Archives: inspiration

Open Letter to Fear

Goodbye, Fear.

You are such a bully.

You are a tiny little bully with a big mouth.  You need to know that I am done listening to you.

You wanted me weak.

You tried to control me.  You wanted me scared and codependent.  You wanted me paralyzed by doubt and frozen by insecurity.

But, I have a new love.

I am in love with Love–real, vulnerable, courageous, sacrificial Love.  I have a new strength.  I have a life.  And, I am so over all the wasted time spent listening to your lies.

It is over between us.

When you talk to me, I’m going to out-talk you.  I’m going to tell you that you are a liar.  I’m going to tell you to shut up and get out of my head.  I am blocking your calls.  You are getting no more air time with me.

When I see you coming, I’m calling out to Love.  I’m slamming the door in your face.  I’m doing something good that scares me, just to shake you up a little.  It’s your turn to be shaken for once.

You won’t find me in the same places.

You won’t find me on the phone asking for approval.

You won’t find me trying to make people like me.

You won’t find me trying to impress everyone else, including myself, with my packed calendar and busy schedule.

That thing you do?  Perfectionism?  What a dirty trick.  It’s a trick I’m not falling for again.  You tried to shut me down and keep me quiet with a promise of perfection.  And, all this time, you’ve been running around and cheating me out of  something real.

Those nights you showed me every bad thing that could happen so that I would be “prepared?”  Ha.  The more you talked, the more I studied and planned so I could have it all covered.  And yet, you always left one thing out, and I could never get ahead of you.

But, Love has a way of covering it all, so I’m putting my trust elsewhere.  I’m done hanging with all your thuggy friends so I can get to know how they think.  Death, Violence, and Failure?  They can all go with you when you go.

And, you know where you can go.

That’s all I have to say.  For now.  But know this: if you come back around, it’s never going to happen this way again.  Because you will find something different at my door.  Love will answer.  Love punches Fear in the face, and you will fall.  Again and again.

Consider yourself warned.  And beaten.

Goodbye, Fear.

Hello, Love.

***

Perfect love casts out all fear.  1 Jn 4:18

What do you need to say to fear? 

What other letters do you need to write?  

 

 

 

The Beginning of Wings

Kids climb to the top of everything.  And fall off.  And climb back up.

My son fell facedown on concrete more times than I can count.  It never seemed to slow him down.

These kids.  They are born fearless.

When does it start, I wonder.

I rest my hand on a child’s back and feel the beginnings of fear.  I am struck by the sharp protrusion of his scapula, the tension that holds his shoulders so high and tight against the world.

He seems so young to hold his body this way.

I know this kid.  He is mostly happy.  His parents are mostly happy, like the best and most honest couples are.  He is well fed and cared for.  He has a bunch of Legos and a little dog.

What is it that fills him with such anxiety?  What at his young age and ideal situation robs him of so much peace?

I ask him.  He is worried about some things at school, academic things.  He worries about poison ivy, he says.  He worries about his parents getting old.  He is only eleven, but he wishes he were younger.  He liked being really little, he says.  He wishes he could stay little, just a while longer.  He tears up while he talks.  This is not a joke to him.

“Why did you like being little?”  I ask him.

“I just did,” he smiles.

I liked being little, too.  I remember feeling the same way, somehow knowing that my parents held back the world for me.  That, just for a minute,  I got to wear my capes and my dress up dresses and run through the yard barefoot and climb trees and play telephone.  Just for a minute.

I remember being about eight years old and hearing about an older cousin at college.  “College,” I thought.  “Oh no.  I don’t even know how to graduate from middle school.  How will I ever manage college?”  And, as a third grader, I added “college” to my ever-growing list of worries.

I thought I had to figure it all out right then.  My shoulders, high and tight.   Like my young friend thinks he has to figure it all out.  Right now.   Including his parents’ elder-care.  They are in their 40s.

“Figuring it all out” is one big lie.  One big fat lie.  We can’t figure it all out.  And most of it isn’t going to happen the way we worry it anyway.

I just saw a quote from Shelley Hitz today.  About how 99% of the things we worry about never even happen.  Strategizing worry is just one big waste of time.

Worry and fretting and anxiety–they are all little ways that fear sneaks in and grows in our lives.

I ask my young friend what would help him worry less.

He says other people can’t really help him.  He says it’s something he has to do.  He says he needs to capture his thoughts.  He says sometimes you just need to let yourself cry.  And then think of something else.  And sermons, they probably help a little bit.

I rest my hand on his back.  He smiles, and the sharpness in his shoulder blades suddenly feels like something else.  His choice is the thing that makes the difference.

That sharp protrusion, not the beginning of fear, but the beginning of wings.

***

What do you think you have to figure out today?  What can you do to capture your thoughts?  

Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.  Phil4:8

 

 

 

 

 

You’ve Got to Get Back On. Nancy Velvet Forever.

So.  It happened like this.

I was about eight years old, madly in love with all horses.  My uncle had a farm, and he let me ride all over his land.

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I could have told you then that bliss smells like horse sweat and pine needles.

But, everybody knows that.

Sunlight streaming through shade trees, a peaceful stallion grazed in the dusty light.

I sat quietly on his back for days, thinking if National Velvet could solve mysteries like Nancy Drew, then that’s who I was.  Nancy Velvet.  Did Nancy Drew like burned marshmallows, I wondered, and glanced over at the field full of cattle sleepwalking in the perfect heat.

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One afternoon, they gave me a different horse.  I was disappointed; the other horse and I, we were best friends.  He was going to miss me bad.

But, a horse is a horse, right?

So, I pulled on my boots and walked out, expecting a day of traipsing through tall grass and butterflies, Queen Anne’s Lace.

When I climbed on the horse, he wasn’t friendly like my uncle’s stallion.  He was jumpy and shaking all over.  I thought when he recognized the advanced level of my horseback riding skills, he would calm down, and we could ride on.

He did not.  Recognize them or calm down.

He bolted.

Until that moment, I thought horses understood me and loved me as much as I loved them.  I thought I was a girl in a book, and the horse would know that.

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He and I had not read the same book.

I screamed.  The world was a blue-green blur, and a fence was rushing straight at us.  At the last minute, the horse jerk-bucked a hard turn to the left, and I flew off his back to the right.

I lay in the brown grass in shock.  I couldn’t breathe.  I couldn’t see.  My heart was broken.

I didn’t get back on him the way they always say to do after a fall.  I couldn’t lift my right arm, and the only horse available to ride at that moment was the one who had just pitched me across the corral.

I sobbed my way to my grandmother’s porch, where they fed me Kraft cheese singles and cold Pepsi in a metal cup—Arkansas smelling salts.  My mother found my glasses in the grass and brought them to me.  My uncle stood looking at me, mournful.

Someone said weakly, “she should get back on,” and we all looked out at the horse, now, finally, grazing peacefully.  Everyone looked away, and my grandmother brought me another slice of cheese.

I had known fear before that day.  Night terrors, alone in the dark with every evil creature staring red-eyed across the room.  Fear of an adult’s anger, fear of injury in childish games.

But, this was the saddest fear, laced with betrayal.  My shoulder was dislocated.  I couldn’t hold reins or get in the saddle for a long time.

I never really rode again after that.

Until a couple of years ago, my husband took us on a vacation to the Rocky mountains.

He wanted me to have a chance to get back on.  He knew that I had prayed a thousand times for another good ride.

I told the lady, “a three-legged nag, that’s all I can handle.”

She laughed and said, “Oh, you need Daisy.  She’s perfect.”  Daisy was a spotted gray horse, an Appaloosa.  She tossed her head when I walked toward her.  I looked at the guide.  She said, “Just climb on.  She loves this ride.”

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I thought my lungs would explode.

All I could do at first was clench the reins in sweaty fists and pray and pray and pray not to die.  Pray that none of my family would die.

It was a long way down the side of that tight, narrow trail.

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We rode single file through closely spaced pine trees.  The air was thin, and the shade was cold.

I watched Daisy’s feet stumble over rocks and thought I was going to vomit.  Chad looked back at me and smiled.  I smiled.  Gagged.

I could hear in my mind, reassurance, a peaceful sound.  I so wanted to be healed of that moment, such a long time ago.

The trail guide called out, “plan to stop a minute when we come into the clearing.  It’s a lookout point, beautiful!”

When we stepped out of the dark woods, the horse in front of us stopped, and before I said, “whoa,” Daisy stopped behind him.

I bravely took a picture of the back of her head before looking up to see the view.

I breathed in and sat on that old gray mare and cried.  Tears streaming down my face, the sun burning my neck and a cool breeze blowing, I knew blessing.

Snow covered, majestic green and craggy, the Rocky Mountains faded into white clouds.   The wide valleys rolled out like a carpet.  The sky was so blue.  So blue.

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In that moment, I could have told you that the purest bliss, the purest of all, smells like mountain air and horses and freedom.  It smells like redemption.

What do you need to “get back on?”  What old hurts have caused fears that keep you from your fullest life?  What are those old hurts and fears costing you?  What will it cost you if you never face them?  What could open up for you if you do–healing, freedom, joy, something else?

Prayers.  For you to get back on.  Remember Lady the Fearless and her lightning water?  Have a cup.  Heaven’s smelling salts.   And get back on.  

Nancy Velvet forever.

 

 

Deception. The Adversary Hatches.

The egg cracks, and a forked tongue flicks into the night air.  Fragments of the shell, thick and dark, fall into the moldy soil below.  A tiny serpent, grotesque and deformed, oozes out of the broken mess, one long and writhing body, two heads.

In a room high above the nest, a woman sleeps.  The castle walls are too smooth for the serpent’s slick belly, but the vining ivy proves a perfect pathway to her window.  The double-headed snake slithers its way along the vines and over the window sill, down the heavy curtain, across the floor, and up into the bed beneath the coverlet at her feet.  It pauses a moment, basking in the warmth of legs covered in filmy white silk.

The brains of the tiny snake, vague and primitive, see thoughts in images, and something like firelight plays through its consciousness.  The tongues flicker, and it continues on, following the warmth of her body, leaving the covering of her sheets, and,  finding her head covered in shining curls, it slithers into her ear.  She stirs, but sleep is sweet.

It more thinks the lies than speaks them, and the woman hears its thoughts louder than her own dreams. And, so deep it goes, hiding itself inside her head, that she believes its thoughts are her own.

Each head sends a different message, one of fear and one of pride, and it feasts on the confusion it breeds. The woman holds her head in her hands and cries tears of indecision.  

Her soul opens to Deception.  The little beast settles in, and without waking, she gives it a home.

***

Every good story needs a terrible villain.  Lady the Fearless?  She battles lies.  Fear and pride.  Dream stealers.  They come in when we believe deceptions about who we are, when we dozily accept any thought that wanders through our minds.  Too bad the sleeping maiden left that window wide open.  Too bad she doesn’t put up much of a fight.

If she would jerk herself awake and slap that little two-headed snake, it would fly across the room and crack its tiny skulls.  And the maiden?  She would find herself that much closer to Lady the Fearless.

So many things in this story could be different.  What if someone were on snake patrol, getting the eggs before they could ever hatch?  What if the castle had a more conscientious gardener?

The window could be guarded.  There could be snake traps in the bedroom.  The little maiden could jump up, throwing back the blankets, kicking like a ninja!   She could protect her ears before she slept, some barrier the lying creature could never breach.

What lies do you need to slap, right across the room today?  What barriers could you put in place against lies?  What fears are trying to take you down, infiltrate your thinking, and steal your dreams with thoughts of failure and risk?  What prideful nonsense is invading?

Every healthy person I know deals with lies and fear and pride; it’s an ongoing matter of what we accept and how proactive we are, how often we go on snake patrol, take inventory.  How sleepy are we when lies try to creep in?   Because they are sneaky, and we do love our slumber.

We have got to get control of ourselves, for heavens sake, and give the little beasties a slap.

I’ll share some of my strategies for slapping fear out of my head in the next post, but would you share some of yours in the comments?  What does courage look like for you in those moments of choice, those moments when you could choose to believe a lie or step out on truth?

Lady the Fearless. What a Character.

“Lady the Fearless.”  People are starting to call me by her name, and I’m happy to answer for her, though I have not arrived.

Sometimes, the minute I conquer one fear, another one seems to take its place.

I’m learning.

Lady the Fearless is not really me.  Or, maybe better, she’s not only me.  Lady the Fearless is an essence, a zeitgeist.  She’s a character.

And, what a character.  She is every woman or girl in fiction or in truth who ever fought any battle.  She is courage.  She is grit and joy and abundant life.

I want to know her well.  What she looks like, what her bravery  requires, how she’s punished for it, and how she inspires.

I’m hoping that her bravery, like fear, is contagious, and I’m praying for an epidemic–bravery in the air, in our lungs, pumping in our veins.

I look at the next generation of young women and men coming up, the teens, the young 20s, and I’m blown away by their beauty and their depth.

The glossy viciousness of the world they are growing up in, the world we are all growing up in, is stunning.  But, the one thing I will not do for them or us, is fear.  I choose hope.  I’m putting my trust in the bigger thing at play, the greater thing happening as we run into a fierce world, and it sharpens us into warriors.

It is a dark and stormy night.  

Lady the Fearless steps to the edge of the cliff and lifts the heavy helmet from her head.  She holds it out to collect the rain coming down in sheets.

 She brings it to her mouth like a goblet and drinks.  

“Lightning water.”  She sighs and smiles down at the full moon reflected in the river in the canyon below.  

She is not afraid of death or of the battle raging in the darkness; she will ride into it on her white horse like she has done before.  She will fly planes into it.  She will carry children into it.  She will show them how it’s done.  

She will shine.

 

On Vikings, Horses, and Ladies Done with Waiting.

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I told a friend the name of my new blog.  He looked confused and said, “Why aren’t you calling it ‘The Fearless Lady?'”

I sighed.

“It’s just, I don’t know, forgettable.  Everyday.   And, it sounds like a housekeeping website.”

He nodded and  said, “Oh, I get it.  You’re right.  And,” he gestured, “‘Lady the Fearless.’  That’s, like, yeah, that’s your Viking name.”

My Viking name.  Exactly.  Lady the Fearless.  The Valkyrie on her thundering steed, flying double fisted on a winged horse through this world of kids and dishes and work and life.  Susan of Narnia shooting straight arrows from a homemade bow in leather cuffs and a metal dress.   Alice, waltzing through Wonderland, unashamed and curious, taking no prisoners, dreaming and believing every impossible thing.

And, really, every day?  I don’t usually feel exactly like any of that.

But, I hold those images of Vikings and flying horses and arrows and Wonderland close, as reminders that we are part of another realm and the war taking place in it.

I am often struck by the intensity of the battle we face.  The battle to live this life and to live it well.

And I want to live it well.  I am so done with fear.

Fear says that nothing will ever be good enough.  Fear tells us to stay low, stay quiet, stay small.  Fear laughs in our faces and tells us to never hope or dream or wish.

I am done with fear running my life, telling me just to wait, wait for a better time, a better chance, a better me.  Telling me what chances to take–none.  No chances, never.

Fighting fear may well be the one battle at the root of all the battles we fight.  Even Eve was afraid that God was holding out on her when she bit into that apple, afraid that she was missing out on something good.

This blog is a journey into saying “goodbye” to fear and “hello” to true love and abundant life.  A habit of calling myself by a Viking name, calling myself “Fearless” as a reminder and not as a boast.  Because we need to be reminded of who we are.  We need to be reminded of the battle.  We need reminders of what we can be if we stop waiting and get in the fight.

I think we are all tired of fear, and I think we are all ready for something better.

I think we are ready for a journey to Fearless.

What’s your Viking name?  What words or images help you stay inspired and reminded of the higher calling on your life?  Reminders like this will be a running theme here at Lady the Fearless, so you have time to think about it if you want to comment at a later date.  But if you know it now, please share in the comments below!  You have something to share that will help others.  I know you do, because God put it there.